Guards! Guards!
by MizzKarrenKullen
Summary: Edward left, Bella hurt. Whe she goes on a trip to Italy, she gets caught by the Voltera. Now she is on a quest, if Edward doesn't become a guard, she will die. Will Edward sacrefice freedom for the one he loves? M for Lemons...
1. Chapter 1

Last night, I had good wet dream about Edward and Jaspur and also a little bit Cralile! It was very good, but it was a lot like a rape dream not a naughty wet dream today!

Lots of things happened. Jaspur raped Cralile, Cralile raped Edward and Edward raped Jaspur! It was very not good for Aro, because he wasn't not involved with the kinky raping.

He inserted himself into Cralile did Jaspur. But Jaspur didn't not run away, so Cralile caughteded him with his beard and shiftily smacked him!

"No, you come here and bum me!" SCREAD Edward!

"Make me vampire!" I screamed at the Voltera's were catching me and were going to kill me unless I convinced Edward to me a guard them and their family of good and not good and not bad vampire family.

"Not unless you have Edward become vampire guard us and my good and not evil and not evil family of bad vampire!" Screamed Aro.

So I walked away from them, and went back too forks and phoned Edweed phone. It was that he'd left me I was very sad but I would be killed if he didn't not make guard for Voltera bad family.

"Hewwoo" He answered.

"Edweed I screamed?"

"Bella? Why you in Forks, when you said you were going to get ice cream in ITALY?"He screamed "WHEN I WENT FOR THE ICE CREAM, I WAS CAPTURRED BY A CHARLIE how's then captured by a family of god and good not bad but good not evil family off vampires. They say you must be guard for them and their family of good and not good but evil not good vampires. Snuff how did you know that went for ice cream?" I screamed

There was silence, "AVBOUT THAT? I WAS ON THE PHONE TO Charlie, he said you went to Italy with Eric, but then he said that Eric couldn't go, so you went on your own and he then caught you." He screamed

"! Oath whys s... but will you be the guard for Aro and his family?"I screamed

"No "he whispered

"But they will kill me if they don't not have you as physics at their middle aged PARTY!" I screamed

"And...? Why should I care? You left me."He screamed

"Poooom it! You left me for Cralile and his whores and man whores so you left me not me leave for you for Charlie and his whores of whores and man whites!" I screamed

"No, I said I was leaving you and you had you wait in the forest, I came back seven months later, and you weren't there, so you lefts me on my own on my own self." He screamed

"Did you go away to have Cralile man whore babies?" I screamed very loudly, he was crying

"Yes, they were premature, so I came back in seven months, not nine. They were birthed by man who looked and smelled like a big smelly rat man." He screamed while crying

"Oh, I knew Charlie and went on the midwife course but I never knew he qualified" I screamed

"Yes, he rat had a mustash!" He screamed.

I hung up, and then I got back to the rape dream. Cralile rapped Jaspur, Jaspur raped Edward, and Edward raped Cralile. Jaspur said "Howdy."

Cliff hanger!

Loft. Hench. Teen. Immense. Bear.


	2. open window! I cannot get in!

"Ahwhwhahwh! Rape dream! Not jasper does not say howdy! I have native American FRIEND!" I screamed and look out the window.

I looked out my window and suddenly there was a big evil not good sound coming for me tree at the side of my house/bin. I screamed idly again as a black figure fell from the tree and ran towards my house, and it wasn't Tyler.

Don't not come back, I thought it was Tyler; the boy how was a showdown. But then I saw the evil red eyes and realised it must be e Jacob.

"Jacob! Haven't seen you in a while, thought you were turning into werewolf tomorrow!"

"I don't even know how you know that lassie but that not was not dog pun on the Jacob werewolf dog you think I am." Said a voice that was not Jacaboobs.

"HUUUHHHH! Jacob, is that you?"

The voice said a naughty abortion word, which I find very offensive to my people. Then started to turn his head from side to side.

I think he may have been shaking his head. But why? Oh, I asked him a question, so he wasn't not Jacob, and then who is he.

"Dimetri!" I Screamed,

"Actually my name is Dimitri with and e and not and I, I am not silly man boy from vampire academy that turn into bad vampire then to not dead vampire."(Spoiler for Vampire Academy)

I started to thing he was thought he was Felix. He didn't not say hello, which was rude and not the behave go good not evil not good guard of bad vampires.

"I have been sent to get you to kill you because evil vampires want you to be dead because Edweed has not showed up for guards so now it is your fault that it is time for deadening time." He began to climb the wall looking angry and sad. I shut my window to stop him getting I and I turned around but walking into something hard! A wall!

"Open the window I cannot get in!" Dimetri screamed, banging his hand fist on my glasses.

"That is the point of my vampire's proof window brought from Charlie the trader of vampire protection products."

""


	3. Chapter 3

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" Screamed Felix, when he suddenly jumped from the front of my dads police car wearing shifty helmets on his neck pit.

"YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS" I screamed back, because he had nothing to do with it, I didn't want him to be hear, it was painful because he looked like Edweed even though he was bigger, was hairier, didn't sparkle, had different colour hair, different eyes, nose shape and mouth shape. So he didn't remind me of Edweed, I was lying.

I left them two to their owns for a bit while I phoned Edweed back from my dads sex help line.

"I think i'MA DOING IT WORNG, IT WONT GO UP ON ITS OWN, i HAVE TO LIFT IT." i screamed At the phone. It was my dad's secret password to his phone.

"hello, there, how may I help you?" Edweed whispered when I picked up his call.

"It's me! Bedweed, your other half twin." I screamed.

"NO my other half twin is called Cedweed. Who is this, Edweed? " He asked himself

"Fine, I lied, it is actually Bella!" I screamed at him. HE was suddenly in my room. "How did you get here so fast?"

"I was hiding in your wardrobe the whole time," HE screamed

So this must be the man that stares at me when I am getting changes, that explains a lot.

"Oh." I screamed

There was silence.

"Ima beautiful dirty rich person, so that makes me dirty, beautiful and rich all that same time." He screamed at me.

I stared at the phone, unsure why it was making the noise of an aroused unicorn.

I looked over and saw that it was Edweed licking the mouth piece. Then I realised it was Cralile dressed as Charlie, dress up as a unicorn, with the voice of Aro. He then kicked it out of the window before it had come out of his shell.

"Can we out the phone down since I am here next to you?" He appeared next to me. I jumped.

"I thought you were in Italy or someplace like that Edweed. It is good to see you!" Screamed Nathan Hayman.

"Go away" I screamed. He did.

"What now?" He screamed

"Why did you phone me, Edweed?" I screamed at him.

"You phoned me." He reminds me in a screaming tone.

Why would he think that I had phoned him? Maybe because I dialled his number and waited for it to ring, then he picked up, now we are having this convocation.

"I certainly didn't phone you Edweed."

He just made a puffing noise. "Lets change the subject Bella, it doesn't matter. It is you who is wasting your dads sex credit."

I rolled my eyes at his stupid face, nearer and nearer did it come until it was right next to mine "Boo!" He said

"Argggh!" I jumped back, and hit a wall.

Everything went black.

_**Cliff hanger!**_


	4. Chapter 4

I woke up to the sound of Charles unicorn costume again. Cralile was wearing his Charlie unicorn (with the voice of Aro) costume, in a ball gown this time. It was sexual.

But this time it wasn't not aroused by Edweed licking the mouth piece. It was ready for a hot date at eh cinema!

"Do you need help getting not ready for the hot date at the movies, Cralile in a Charlie unicorn, voice of Aro costume man? " Edweed was screaming at the unicorn.

"Edweed, why are you screaming at a unicorn, they are an endangered spices, Edweed I am shocked" I screamed at him!

He looked at me and I noticed it was indeed Cedweed, his secret evil twin from the Neverlands! OHH, that is a surprise!

"IT is I, Cedweed, not naughty Edweed" He screamed at me. He was mean!

I cried loudly, then got over it.

"Okay, then we should help the unicorn get ready for its date, Cedweed!" I screamed happily at him.

"No"  
"Yes"

"You have to put on the ball gown, e was only a model. You have to go and meet Edweed,"

SO Ceweed did all of my make up and put the ball gown on me.

"Were are we goin on a date? A baal? Or a party?" I screamed

"NO, the cinema" He screamed.

Oh no, I was really underdressed! Better go and put my crown on.

I put my crown on and went to the cinema to see Edweed but I said hi to him and he said hi back but when we went for the film he did not get my lots of chocolate and popcorn! I pushed the people in the queue over one by one then made them compliment my gown. I then made Edweed by the biggest popcorn bucket ever, and then made him buy me lots of chocolate and drinks so he had no money left. We then we then went to watch Vampires Suck. IT WAS MY LIFE! My totally hot vampire boyfriend and his big hair and me and my big hair and Jacoboob and his boob. And then I didn't eat any of my popcorn but threw it at Edweed constantly through the film then I played music loudly and sang along loudly and people cheered me with swear words. I then phoned Cedweed and he told me the surprise ending of the film so to confirm with him, I yelled the surprise ending to the phone so everyone could hear, they cheered me again with swear words and popcorn!

"I have popcorn silly people! My long term relationship boyfriend brought it for me as out engagement present!"

Edweed looked at me in horror a single tear slid down his cheek as I threw some more popcorn at him. His tear was one of happiness so I got my lighter out and began to throw burning pieces of on fire popcorn at Edweed. They got caught in his hair but not want to upset me so he ignored his burning hair and watched the film as I continued to throw whole dairy milk bars at him. His hair fire was to bright and I forgot my sun glasses so I threw my mega huge drink of slushy ice at him to put out his fire. But looking at Edweed dripping wet, I realised I needed a wee, But I didn't not know where the toilets were, I decided to give Edweed at treat, as well as empty my bladder. So I picked up my huge sparkly ball gown from where it was pooled in the wet stuff coming off of Edweed, and stood up in front of the whole cinema. Suddenly I realised that I loved Edweed.

So I yelled out really loudly "Hey, see my Edweed, mmm... Weed." I screamed as I weed myself from the excitement.

"Edweed, can I borrow your scarf to wipe my bottom on, please?" I scream really really loudly at him, so everyone could hear our love!

**CHIFF HANGER! Find out what happens in the next installment of Gaurds Gaurds! **

**LOve MizzKarrenKullen**


	5. Chapter 5

As me and Edweed departed from the cinema, we didn't not talk.

I was sad that when I weed on the floor, Edweed didn't automatically say he loved me.

"Edweed?" I screamed at his face, really, really, really close to it. My spit flying into his open mouth. I know that Edweed found it arousing, like that unicorn.

MY phone started to ring, my ring tone was that song that I had recorded about my love for Edweed, called 'Tear Drops on My Edweed'

"_Edweed looks at me, I fake a smile so he won't wee__  
__That I want and I'm peeing everything that we should wee__  
__I'll bet I'm beautiful, that girl he talks about__  
__And I've got everything that he have to live without___

_Edweed talks to me, I laugh 'cause it's just so funny__  
__And I can't even see anyone when he's with me__  
__He won't says he's in love, he's finally not right,__  
__I wonder if he knows I'm all he think about at night___

_He's the reason for the teardrops on my Edweed__  
__The only thing that keeps me wishing that I hadn't peed __  
__I'm the song in the car he keep singing, don't know why I do___

_Edweed walks by me, can he tell that I can't breathe?__  
__And there I go, so perfectly,__  
__The kind of flawless he wishes he could be__  
__He better hold me tight, give me all his love__  
__Look in my beautiful eyes and know he's lucky 'cause___

_So I drive home alone, I pee on the light__  
__I'll pull his pants down and maybe__  
__Get some meat tonight___

_He's the reason for the teardrops on my Edweed__  
__The only one who's got enough of me to break my Edweed__  
__I'm the song in the car he keep singing, don't know why I do _

_He's the time taken up, but there's never enough__  
__and he's all that I need to wee into.___

_Edweed looks at me, I fake a wee so he won't flee.__"_

I let the song play all the way through, first time Edweed had heard my amazing voice. He started at me, looking horrifyingly pleased. A single tear fell onto his t shirt, again. He loves me.

"Reason for teardrop on my Edweed! My song!"I screamed. "You like it?"

"I-"he started to scream. But I cut him off.

"HELLO?" I screamed into the phone.

"Hi!" the voice of Aro replied.

"Unicorn? Is this you calling me from my front lawn where HE kicked you before you could come out for your shell?"

"No! This is Aro, killer of peoples."

"Yes, Aro?"

He screamed at me from Italy, "Is Edweed going to be guard for us now? I fogotted about that bit, as it is the main plot line. Could you sac Edweed?"

I was shocked, and realised we went on a date even though he was going to not kill me. I wondered what Felix had gone.

"Dimitri or Flexis called form your front garden, with the unicorn. And said you have Vampire proof windows. They said if you go to the cinema, they will get you."

The awkward thing was, I went on a date to the cinema and I didn't see them! HAHAHAHA.

Maybe they were peeing when I went to not buy some popcorn with Edweed money!

"AroOoooooo! Why you doing this? Edweed doesn't not want to be a shifty guard for your family of good not bad evil bad good vampire family.

I saw Edweed shaking his head violently, mouthing words at me. He was jumping up with a piece of paper that said 'TAKE ME WITH YOU, ARO!' He certainly didn't want to go with Aro.

"No Aro, I asked him and he said no. SORRY!"

"Then you must be dying? As did Edweed as he didn't not want to be guard. TIME FOR DEADENING,"

"That is whack with a capital W." I screamed at him.

"Word." Aro replied, screaming. "But Bella, I really need Edweed to-"I hung up on him.

I didn't not like Aro, he talked too much.

I turned back to Edweed, who was not crying on the floor and rocking back and forth in a foetal position.

"EDWEED!" I screamed violently at him. "Why do you wee from your eyes? You said you didn't want to be guard for naughty vampire family! You told me when we were watching that film, really loudly and everyone cheered us with pop corn and swearing."

"No Bella, you dreamed that, you feel asleep and talked really loudly in your sleep, making aroused noises and screaming that I didn't not want to be a vampire guard." He whispered.

"I don't sleep. I'm a vampire."

"No, you're really not."

OH NO! I was shocked, so shocked that I ran backward into my window and feel through the vampire proof window.

I feel on to Felix or Dimitri, he grinned down at me, speaking into his wrist watch. "Deadening time, confirmed."


End file.
